


Here's to living long enough to be forgiven

by smaragdbird



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Getting Back Together, M/M, Men Talking About Their Feelings, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 12:25:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15663189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: Fergus' and Nathaniel's paths cross some time after Nathaniel saved Fergus' life from bandits. There are still some things from their past they haven't talked about and old feelings that had been ignored so far





	Here's to living long enough to be forgiven

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this ](https://dragonage-kink.dreamwidth.org/80751.html?thread=327750255#cmt327750255) prompt

It was a lucky coincidence that their path’s had crossed. There was only one inn on the way between Vigil’s Keep and Amaranthine and when Fergus had walked in he had spotted Nathaniel at a table immediately. 

“Nathaniel”, Fergus greeted him as he sat down opposite him with a bowl of stew and ale.

“Fergus”, Nathaniel replied, looking clearly uncomfortable about their meeting.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” Fergus asked even though it was a moot point as he was already sitting.

“Of course not”, Nathaniel said and quickly went back to eating his stew to keep Fergus from asking more questions.

As he watched Nathaniel Fergus couldn’t help but notice how much he had changed since the last time they had seen each other properly. Despite saving his life Nathaniel hadn’t stuck around once he had brought him safely to Vigil’s Keep and actively avoided him during his recovery.

No the last time Fergus had seen Nathaniel had been just before Nathaniel had been shipped off to the Free Marches. He remembered being heartbroken at the time. As children they had been as close as brothers, closer actually considering Nathaniel’s distant relationship with Thomas. Fergus had been sure that Rendon would send Nathaniel to be fostered as a squire at Highever that he had never considered anything else. At first they had written letters but that had grown increasingly infrequent and by the time Fergus had married they had stopped altogether.

Rendon’s betrayal had hit harder than anything else that had happened to Fergus. Oriana, Oren, his parents...Fergus still couldn’t think about it without feeling pain. Elissa had only survived at the price of becoming a Grey Warden and despite her constant assurances that she was happy, Alistair had revealed to him what that price entailed.

Fergus had actually argued with Elissa why she hadn’t demanded all members of the Howe family to be wiped out just like Rendon had attempted with their family. In the face of so much pain it had seemed impossible to Fergus that Nathaniel, Delilah and Thomas had known nothing of their father’s treachery. He had yelled at her even worse when he had confronted her about her decision to recruit Nathaniel for the Grey Wardens.

Now, three years later he could look at Nathaniel and feel slightly ashamed that he had thought so little of his former best friend. Nathaniel was leaner than he had been and the patch of an excuse for a beard on his chin was new too. The lines of his face had grown sharper with time and thankfully he did not resemble Rendon at all. He had become more muscular, too, Fergus noticed with a glance at Nathaniel’s arms where the muscles were bulging under his skin every time he moved.

“Elissa is in Denerim at the moment”, Nathaniel said after he had finished his stew. He still looked like he would rather be anywhere else but sitting at the same table as Fergus.

“I know”, Fergus replied. “I came here to speak to Delilah and - “

“What our father did was horrific and there is no excuse for it but Delilah had nothing to do with it”, Nathaniel interrupted him before Fergus could finish.

“I know”, Fergus replied. “I want to talk to her because I spoke with Alistair and Elissa and we agreed to return some of the lands that were taken from your family back to her. As a Grey Warden you can’t hold a title but Delilah can and if she agrees she’d be Bann of the city of Amaranthine and her son after her.”

Nathaniel stared at him as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Why would you do that?”

“Because she...you don’t deserve to be punished for your father’s crimes.”

“You’ve always been too forgiving”, Nathaniel said, shaking his head. “I guess Elissa gets it from you.”

“We got it from our parents”, Fergus corrected him. “Besides you were my best friend once and you saved my life. You don’t need my forgiveness, Nathaniel. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Nathaniel met his eyes for a moment, then looked aside. “We’ll have to agree to disagree on that.”

“Maybe I can change your mind with a pint or three”, Fergus replied an got up to get them.

“I shouldn’t “, Nathaniel started but Fergus didn’t let him finish.

“You can”, he said firmly, resting a hand on Nathaniel’s shoulder. “For me.”

For a moment it looked like Nathaniel wanted to protest but then he swallowed his words and nodded.

Three beers morphed into five and then seven and by the time they made it upstairs they both needed each other to keep walking. Fergus swayed to the right and felt Nathaniel’s arm tighten around his waist to keep him from falling over.

“I think my room is here somewhere”, Nathaniel said but he didn’t sound too sure about it. It didn’t help that all doors looked exactly the same.

“Mine’s over there”, Fergus replied and pointed at the door at the end of the floor. He was sure of it even if he didn’t remember why. Maybe because it was the only door at the end of the floor. “You can stay with me.”

As soon as he said it, he felt Nathaniel stiffen under the arm he had thrown across his shoulders. “I shouldn’t.”

“Nate, come on, we used to share a bed all the time, besides if you still kick people in your sleep, one of us is going to end up on the floor anyway.”

Nathaniel didn’t look convinced but he didn’t let go of Fergus either, probably because that would’ve resulted in both of them falling to the ground. It took a bit to get the door open, the wet winds coming from the sea caused every door in Northern Ferelden to become stuck sooner or later. They stumbled inside and somehow Fergus wound up in front of Nathaniel instead of beside him though he couldn’t say how. It always felt a little surprising to be reminded that Nathaniel was smaller than him.

Fergus could blame a lot of things, the alcohol, how close they were, and an utter lack of willpower, how silver Nathaniel’s eyes were but in the end he kissed Nathaniel because he wanted to. Considering the evening so far it was surprising how quickly and thoroughly Nathaniel yielded to him. He practically melted into Fergus’ touch, following his lead every step of the way.

And Fergus was unable to stop himself. He hadn’t known how much he wanted this until he had actually gotten a taste of it. How long, he wondered as he pushed Nathaniel onto the bed once they had gotten rid of each other’s clothes, how long ago he could’ve had this.

Underneath him Nathaniel strained against him, saying his name like a prayer and Fergus was only too happy to answer him. Knowing, feeling that Nathaniel wanted him as much as Fergus wanted Nathaniel was intoxicating.

/

When Fergus woke up Nathaniel was still in bed beside him which was a relief but he was sitting upright, his knees drawn to his chest and the tense line of his back told Fergus more than enough. Especially when he reached out to touch him and Nathaniel flinched.

“I’m sorry.”

“There is nothing to be sorry for. We’re both adults, these things happen.”

The laugh Nathaniel gave sounded like broken glass, sharp and painful. “You don’t even know…” he stopped himself just when Fergus wanted to know what he was going to say. “I’m sorry.”

Fergus crawled over the bed so he could sit in front of Nathaniel. He felt that this was a conversation where he should be able to see Nathaniel’s face, which used to say a lot more than his words. “Do you regret it?”

Because if Nathaniel did, Fergus would let him leave and never mention this night again. Maybe, for Nathaniel, last night had only been the alcohol and human closeness and it had never been about Fergus personally.

“I should.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

“Fergus you don’t know”, a pained expression crossed Nathaniel’s face and suddenly Fergus understood what Nathaniel couldn’t bring himself to tell him. 

“How long?” He asked.

“Always, one way or another.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I know. That’s what made it worse.”

“Is that why you asked your father to send you to the Free Marches instead of Highever?”

“I asked my mother but close enough. My father wasn’t happy about it. I guess he wanted an inside man in your house.”

Which was probably true but Fergus had realised something else. “When I wrote to you that I was going to get married, you never answered.”

“Don’t”, Nathaniel said and Fergus didn’t think he had ever heard someone beg so desperately. “Don’t go there Fergus, please.”

“Is that why you feel guilty?”

“There was a moment I was glad when I heard that your wife was gone and you were not”, Nathaniel said, looking him straight in the eyes. “I am a monster, Fergus. I cannot be your friend. I cannot be anything to you. It’d be the best if we never see each other again.”

With those words Nathaniel got up from the bed and quickly dressed himself while Fergus was left with the feelings from Nathaniel’s revelation running wild through his chest. It was only when Nathaniel was fully dressed and about to reach for his bow that Fergus came to a decision. He got up from the bed too, not caring that he was naked, and pushed Nathaniel backwards.

“Maker damn you, Nate”, he yelled, keeping his body between Nathaniel and the door, despite knowing that Nathaniel would win should it come to a fight. “You cannot tell all of that and then leave.”

“Didn’t you listen to me? I was glad your wife is dead. Glad because now there was a slim chance you’d look at me like I always looked at you. And now that’s exactly what happened.” There was so much self-loathing in his voice that the part of Fergus that wasn’t angry, wanted nothing more than to comfort him.

“Don’t you think I don’t feel guilty?” Fergus yelled back, the anger winning out inside of him. “I thought you were in on your father’s plot. You and Delilah and Thomas. I went to Elissa and demanded that you’d be executed, Delilah too, even Albert. And despite of what you did, despite what Elissa told me about you I couldn’t find it in me to forgive you for something you hadn’t done, something you had no part in or knowledge of until you saved my life.”

“That is not the same”, Nathaniel said stubbornly and Fergus was torn between kissing him and hitting him just to get through to him.

“You’re one of the only two people outside my family that I ever loved. Our paths crossed again for a reason.” Fergus walked closer to Nathaniel until he was right in front of him and clasped hands and opened his shaking fists so that they were palm to palm their fingers interlaced. 

“What are you doing?” Nathaniel whispered hoarsely.

“I may be the forgiving one but you were always the more reasonable of us. Please be reasonable now, Nathaniel.”

“I don’t think I can.” But he also didn’t move away when Fergus leaned in and kissed him.

“Stay”, Fergus whispered against Nathaniel’s lips. “Please stay.”

“Fergus - “And there it was again, the self-loathing, the pain. 

Fergus kissed him, deeper this time, pushing his body against Nathaniel’s and tangling one hand into Nathaniel’s hair. “I’ve lost you once before, I’m not going to lose you again.”

“Don’t do this to me, Fergus”, Nathaniel whispered. “If you stay now I don’t think I can let you go again.”

“I don’t want you to”, Fergus replied, undoing the clasps on Nathaniel’s clothes with his free hand.

“You have no idea what you’re asking for”, Nathaniel said but he let Fergus pull him back to bed.

“I’m asking for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
